Texts From Last Night

I don't really have a lot of time to write right now, so I thought I'd share some of my favorites from textsfromlastnight.com instead!

(510): I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
(702): Are you high?
(510): No. That's why it's odd

(317): why did u let me go home with him last night?
(260): u were determined it was a good idea

(312): awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
(708): Did someone propose they get off the stage?

(303): Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.

(678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
(770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

(321): Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?

(936): what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

(402): Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.

(703): Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
(215): I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.

(404): Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
(706): Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

(401): i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
(1-401): you can....by speaking....

(908): bl l w
(201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

(219): I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?

(781): i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

(207): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
(617): We call that spaghetti Os

(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

(515): You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
(1-515): Deal!

(405): Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
(1-405): which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

(715): i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.

(615): Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!

(585): broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
(716): you're writing country songs now?

(727): I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.

(630): You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.

(512): I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

(650): I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.

(608): How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
(1-608): myspace Music?

(773): you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

(519): Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.

(404): You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

(303): Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward

(609): I had another sleeping on concrete incident.

(586): yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

(305): gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
(970): did you ask her what wine to pair it with?

(248): Public safety found my id!
(248): And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.

(717): can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.

(774): So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.

(720): So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
(970): well, dont
(720): I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

(708): his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button

(508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

(937): Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date

(302): I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

(925): no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.

(907): is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

(604): My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

(213): Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.

(253): I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

(207): you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment

(305): I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

(404): what's for breakfast?
(678): Advil and throwup

(267): You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.

(919): You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

(615): small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
(423): so no drinking for you?
(615): don't be silly

(607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

(313): Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
(518): No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.

(248): I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

(904): i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps

(506): No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?

(612): I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

(201): so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?